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"Technical Support"Written By: Fancy Figures Disclaimer: I don't own 'em, wish I did, just
enjoy writing about 'em for free etc Pairing: 1+2 Warnings: yaoi, ficlet, humour, Rating: R Summary: Duo has a problem and he's phoning Technical
Support about it. Or trying to. "Technical Support"
"Duo?" Heero was concerned. Duo's posture was appalling, the way he was hunched on the couch, the telephone gripped to his ear, and the flushed appearance of his neck... "Yes, I have been waiting," Duo snapped into the mouthpiece. "Yes, I have been holding, as per your suggested Option #1, press button #3, then sub-menu #2 followed by #hash, in the vain hope that I may get to speak to someone human at the end of it. Yes, I do have something you can help me with." Heero glanced around. Duo had left an interesting pattern of computer parts on the carpet. Rather more worrying was that they had obviously come from his dismantling of his laptop. It sat forlornly on the table, its stripped innards gaping as if in a painful, technological hunger. "I've tried that!" Duo was still snapping. Heero thought it wise to keep his distance. He sat on the chair on the other side of the room and prepared to wait. He picked up a discarded drive and examined it, aimlessly. "Refer to your manufacturer, it said!" Duo's skin looked very mottled indeed. "Contact your local fucking dealer." He rolled his eyes towards the ceiling. "No, of course it didn't say fucking dealer, that was just my paraphrasing..." He paused: frowned. "OK, so I apologise for my foul mouth. Like you wouldn't have one too, if the only response you'd had for three fu- for three hours was 'No help available'." He bit at his lip. Hard. "No, of course I realise the necessary limitations of default messages, and the opportunity for you to offer me specialist help, according to the restrictive, convoluted, hideously over-priced service agreement that you made me sign at virtual gunpoint before you'd release the fu- equipment in the first fu- place -" Heero could hear a voice rising in volume on the other end of the line. "No!" Duo shouted. "Look, I'll apologise again if you like, just don't put me on hold -" Heero could hear the strains of Vivaldi's Four Seasons start to trickle through the earpiece. For the first time, Duo turned to look at him, with wide, distraught eyes. "They put me on hold again," he said. Heero nodded. His boot nudged at a thick wad of printout dropped on to the floor. Pages and pages of 'Error message: this should not happen. Error message: this should not happen'. He cleared his throat. "Interesting." "Interesting?" Duo's eyebrows jerked up and down. "It's a conspiracy, that's what it is. Somehow they know how important this assignment is: somehow they know how critical it is that I submit it tomorrow." "Somehow they know you've left it to the very last minute and should have completed it a week ago," murmured Heero. "No," growled Duo. "The conspiracy theory works for me. Which is more than this heap of shit does." Heero frowned. "Why didn't you call me? Maybe it's something simple." Duo glared. "Like me, you mean?" Heero didn't get a chance to reply - the muzak in the background snapped off and a voice chirped from the 'phone. Duo's head whipped back around to hunch over it again. "Hello? Yes, I have been waiting. Yes, I've already given you that information. Well, no, not you specifically, obviously, because you're a guy and the other person I spoke to was a girl." He listened. Heero saw him draw in a long, careful breath. "Why do I need to go through all that again? You have my details." Another listen: another deep breath. "You don't have my details. I see. So what was she doing for the last half hour? Filling in the crossword?" Heero winced. Duo's eyes widened suddenly. "No!" he groaned. "Not again. Why do you need to transfer me? I've spoken to three departments already." A sudden, pregnant pause. "Of course, no, you wouldn't know anything about that, would you, you said you didn't have my details. Yes, I did hear you say that. Unlike most of your staff, I am neither deaf nor stupid." He grimaced. "Fuck! I mean, sorry. No - wait - no, don't - not the fucking music -!" The Four Seasons started up its delicate strains again. Duo swung back around slowly to stare at Heero. "They put you on hold again," Heero said, gently. "Thank you for your patience, they say," said Duo. There was a note of tragic hysteria in his voice. "Your call is important to us, they say. Then they put me on hold." Heero tutted, hoping it sounded sympathetic. He turned over the drive in his hands and stared. "Is that a lump of melted chocolate stuck in here?" Duo frowned and blushed. "How would I know? I'm no supplier of specialist help, just the consumer." "Yes. A consumer of sweets," said Heero. "A devoted one. And I've told you before about eating and drinking over the laptop." Duo's fingers tightened their grip on the 'phone. "Heero, I have a crisis here. I don't have the appetite for arguing with you as well. You're meant to be supporting me - you're the technical guy. Why the fuck can't these guys understand my problems the way that you do -?" The 'phone chirped again and Duo's head twisted away. "What's that?" He peered, as if trying to see the words he was hearing. "No, I've tried the online help. I've tried the help every which fu- every which way you can offer and it doesn't. Help, that is. Error, it says. The page cannot be displayed." "Cannot find server..." whispered Heero, turning away with a sigh born of familiarity with Duo's impatience and recurring net blindness. "Cannot find server, it says," Duo was snapping, oblivious to Heero. "What's its problem? Needs a map?" Heero shook his head, though Duo never saw him. He moved away, still holding the drive, making for his den where he knew he could probably fix it, so long as Duo hadn't dropped anything more corrosive than chocolate all over it. Though he was fond of donuts, too. And those fruit chews that made him dribble orange and yellow spit... Heero sighed again. "Operator error?" Heero heard Duo's voice ringing out from the other side of the room. "What the fuck does that mean? No - wait - I didn't mean -" There was an anguished wail. "I'll give you thank you for your patience -!" Heero smiled, gently and closed the door on the tirade. ~ * ~
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